The Horticulture Lottery

“I am going to make so much money since pot is now legal!” The customer said to her friend, as they stood in front of me in the line at the post office. They talked on, their conversation speckled with modern idioms that my generation usually does not use such as, “We will make bank!”

I knew the next statement would not be far behind as both enthusiastically exclaimed, “I can’t wait to quit my job!” Perhaps they were influenced by our now famous Anchorage ex-reporter’s dreams marijuana-not-crackof grandeur when she so calculatedly quit her job on air to run her business, the Alaska Cannabis Club full-time. Charlo Greene garnered much publicity with that stunt and raised quite a bit of money for her business. Since ballot measure #2 has passed, I can believe that her goals have been accomplished.

I have heard so many folks speak of hopeful businesses such as: marijuana lollypops sold out of a van and marijuana florists. Now, I’m pretty straight myself, choosing chocolate gelato, a good book or chick flick, acting in a play or singing, or laughing due to good comedy to be my drugs of choice. I can’t relate much to being passionate about anything to do with pot. However, I love the idea of making money through small artsy, creative businesses, so here are my thoughts on the subject:

A marijuana bakery, then open any other fast food franchise next door. Or two.

A marijuana massage salon. This way, your masseuse doesn’t have to work too hard on loosening your muscles, and you won’t care too much if she pulls something too far. Place this salon next to your bakery and restaurant.

A marijuana beauty salon. The smoke should be thick enough that everyone looks airbrushed, and hair color will look more vibrant. Place this salon next to your bakery and restaurant.

A marijuana oxygen bar. If a person who has respiratory problems chooses to smoke their pot instead of ingesting an edible, then chokes after inhaling their joint, they can go right to the oxygen station. Then back again. You can have punch cards and coupons for repeated uses per hour.  Place this salon next to your bakery and restaurant.

I did birthday parties as a clown for 25 years, and also singing telegrams for at least 15 of them. How about marijuana birthday or any occasion singing telegrams, where the singer delivers a festive box of joints with coupons for your marijuana restaurant and marijuana bakery. You are practically guaranteed to get repeat customers this way for all of your pot businesses.

How about a marijuana tourist magazine for Alaska. You can have funny pictures of bears smoking joints and moose falling over laughing hysterically while tourists take selfies with their phones before the animals sober up. Oh, I forgot – we have the cartoonist in residence to draw these pictures. His name is Chad Carpenter of Tundra Comics. (Shameless plug for Chad – his Moose movie is coming out in March. I was an extra in it where I acted for a 30th of a second. It was awesome!) However, I did not go to my boss the next day and say f**k it, I quit my job. I believe I will have to work until I am at least 103 because I did not start saving for my retirement when I was an embryo.

I recall jokes about pot smokers being very laid back. One daughter of mine fits this description. I used to think it was lethargy due to watching too many YouTube music videos on her computer while reclining on the couch. She now lives in Colorado and works in this industry. In her enthusiasm for anything marijuana she has stated that cannabis has been found to cure cancer and other unnameable maladies. According to her, “Colorado is under construction because it is making so much money down there.” Then why is she getting paid $8.00 per hour instead of the $24.00 per hour advertised for a marijuana sales position in Washington State? By the way she talks you would think that everyone in Colorado is driving a Lexus.

Now that I think about it, I’ve never met an animated and hyperactive pot smoker. They are usually thought of as a mellow and pleasant crowd. This most likely explains the fact that my suspicions must be correct in believing that my family of origin never lifted a joint to their lips. Ever. I wonder if I would have turned out differently if my step-mother had smoked pot instead of Lucky Strikes or Marlborough or whatever brand of cigarettes she smoked. I’m sure she would have laughed more, or at least thought I was funnier. Then again, if I had inhaled second hand pot smoke I probably would have struggled with more adolescent figure angst then I was already struggling with. A bagel and lox binge sounds a bit gross to me now, (which would have been readily available in my childhood) but then again, I am eating my co-workers Halloween candy at this writing.

Hopefully, many will profit from their dreams of economic fortune with their cannabis businesses. If not, just make sure you don’t say nasty things to your boss and walk off your job. Also, while you are working at your current job, even if pot is legal all day long, be aware of random urine drug tests which can get you fired, especially if you work for the Municipality of Anchorage. Your boss won’t care how jovial you’ve become, and then you won’t be able to afford a ticket for that awesome job in Washington State!

 

 

 

 

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